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The Ivy League

March 16, 2003
Poison Ivy

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Foreign Policy

Staff Photo

The President of the United States is a moron.

That's right, I said it.

This is a man who intends to wage war with or without the approval of the United Nations. With or without the support of the people he supposedly governs. This is a man with two potentially dangerous enemies on opposite sides of the world. One is slowly - very slowly - dismantling his supply of missiles but has been a problem in the past. The other has a nuclear arsenal. So which does our beloved idiot President go after?

The one with the oil. He's not so dumb after all, is he?

In any case, Bush seems intent on dealing with Iraq before he turns his attention towards North Korea. It's smart strategy - the only thing more foolish than fighting a war on two fronts is invading Russia in the winter.

Now watch how deftly I make this relevant to the fWo.

It's hard enough in this business to fend off one opponent at a time. To try and balance two enemies from different angles is career and athletic suicide. To do it with enemies the caliber of both Steven Shadows and Villam Ender is really.... really fuckin' stupid.

Villam Ender?

Yeah, the biggest story of the year that nobody's heard of is that Villam Ender, hot on the heels of regaining the Immortals Title from Kellen Kinkade, decided that wasn't enough. For reasons I have no clue about, Villam and Joe Campbell decided to take a trip to the fWo and try to take out Eli Flair. They blame me - my constant shots at Campbell and his Asylum have apparently incited him to the point where he's invaded the promotion I call home to get some revenge. With a shotgun. Campbell has apparently decided he's not verbally gifted enough to match wits with me through words, so he's getting his golden boy to... go after my brother in law. Yeah, you showed me. No shit you can't match words with me, Joey... you proved that in spades last summer.

That's unfair. If Villam had fired that gun I'd be singing quite a different tune, but he didn't. And why not? Isn't he all insane and stuff? Isn't that his gimmick? Isn't Villam Ender supposed to be the most remorseless sociopath in the fighting world? Pull the fuckin' trigger, Villam.... if that is your real name!

Hi, JJ... miss ya.

So this Wednesday, the Asylum World Championship will be defended on fWo Television against the toughest son of a bitch to ever step into a wrestling ring. Could Eli Flair win a competitive wrestling match? Probably not. Could he win a fight? My money says so. And in true, typical Eli Flair fashion, this match of epic proportions, nobody knows about. He's professional wrestling's ninja - he sells out arenas for matches that nobody comes to see, he wins championships that nobody knows about. And when he's finally retired and out, and people are saying "Damn, he was good stuff," it'll be sucks for them, because they missed the ninja.

Of course, he's still fighting the second front of a war.... Steven Shadows. They don't like each other in a very real sense. They don't like each other.... and they're scheduled for Cyberslam.

And Eli's dickin' around with some loser who's not even signed to the company.

A war on two fronts is the worst thing anyone can do. Ask Nazi Germany. Ask Napoleon. Ask Dubbya. Focus on one enemy before you focus on the other, or they'll bury ya.

The only problem is trying to figure out which enemy is the most significant threat to your life and freedom.

Eli Flair is currently fighting a war against a man who killed his own brother, raped a woman and her man, and threatened his life with a shotgun. He's also fighting a war against a man whom he has been waging a silent conflict with for two years now, a man who fills him with rage... a man who tried to end his career and who he tried to pay back in kind.

One of these men has oil, the other has nuclear weapons. Which one is the most relevant? Which one is the most threatening? Which one will pose the most significant threat to his life and freedom? Eli Flair has a choice to make.... and on the surface it might seem like a no- brainer, I wonder if it's really a simple cut- and- dry scenario like everyone who knows about it seems to assume.

Because if he chooses wrong.... it's a long, cold winter in Russia.

This is Ivy too.