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The fWo Sunday Night Slaughter Rant for 04/13/03

April 16, 2003
Scott Powell

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Well, hello there. Some of you may know me from my WWE rants, but I've decided to take on fWo ranting as well. And I figured, what better time to start than the build-up to the fWo's biggest show of the year?

This would be the final Sunday Night Slaughter before Cyberslam, and we're LIVE~!!! from the Braehead Arena in Glasgow, Scotland. If all Scotsmen were like the janitor from The Simpsons, the country would be alot more fun.

-We open things up with a backstage segment involving Team EQ, The Elitists, and Team WTF~!!!- the three teams involved in next Monday's Cyberslam Tag Team Championship match, for those keeping score at home. The gist of it is that we have a triple threat match for later that night involving Lance Knight, The Flying Frenchie, and Jon Crisp. Frenchie getting pissed at the mentioning of Black Quicksilver is pretty funny, but they need to pick a side and stick with it when it comes to Crisp. He's sending off weird tweener vibes.

-The Slam of the Week shows Monte Burns beating 'Undeniable' Voran Xias on Wednesday Warfare, and now Voran is out to the ring. He cuts a lengthy promo on the fans that honestly could have been cut back for time, and then turns his attention back to Monte. He points out that they're 1-1 (actually 2-1 if you count the count out "win" a few weeks back) and he wants a No DQ Submission Match at Cyberslam to settle the score. Well, hey, that could be pretty cool if laid out correctly- they should use Austin-Bret at Wrestlemania 13 as an example. No answer from Monte yet, as he's apparently not in the building, but I think we can all guess.

-Deacon vs. Rat. Do I smell a squash? Deacon locks-up with Rat and tosses him into the corner, then squashes him with a splash. Climbs up to the top and hits a flying clothesline. Big Deac' seems to be having an off-night here, as Kane does that move better. And when KANE does a move better than you, you know something's fucked. Rat heads out to grab a chair, but the ref gets between him and Deacon. Rat gives up the chair like a moron and gets spinebusted. Padrona joins us to prolong that feud to Cyberslam, apparently. Dog, Rat's partner, has the chair on the outside, and Padrona nods at him. Could there be a.....SWERVE coming up? Goodness no! Deacon finally goes for a cover and only gets 2. Deacon notices Padrona.....and then goes back to squashing Rat with a gorilla press slam. Hey, guys, when that usually happens the distraction is supposed to lead to the other guy getting some offense! Dog pushes the chair to the ring and nods back to Padrona, and Deacon nails Dog with a right hand. Rat hits him with a slightly weak chairshot, into a cover, but Padrona stops the pin. I'm as shocked as you. Padrona's manager, Shygen, shows the referee the chairshot and the match continues, rather than a DQ or something. Ah, who needs DQs anyway. Padrona nails Dog with a spinning kick while Deacon hits the altar call for 3 at roughly 4:15. 1/2* Okay for a squash. Padrona and Shygen walk back up the rampway.

-Erik Kelly chats with his wife. Okay then.

-The Fuse Brothers search for the fifth digit and annoy people on a convience line in a very funny segment.

-Rush got ready for his match. He's got a full head of hair, he's muscular, why hasn't he been pushed again? Kidding.

-Rush vs. Carson Covington. Carson comes out and the fans have no idea what to think of him. There's too many tweeners in the eff-dub right now. Rush gets a nice pop for a guy who's off and on TV a lot. Rush charges Carson, Carson ducks the clothesline attempt, but Rush hits him with a nice dropkick. Rush tries for a spear but Carson side-steps it and gets him with a high knee into a front face lock. Carson turns that into a quick snap suplex in a nice sequence, and then put him in a headlock. They do the old drop-two-times-and-rise-on-the-third thing, which proceeds to get the crowd going, and Rush attempts two different manuvers to get Carson to release the lock, both which fail, and he finally resorts to elbows to the stomach. Another nice sequence. Carson finally loosens his grip, and Rush gets an Asai Moonsault for two. Rush tries for a clothesline, but Carson ducks and hits a back body drop, but Rush fires back with a hard kick. Rush then follows that up with a well-executed Tiger Driver '91 for another two count. Rush gets a high release german suplex, and then climbs to the top to try for a Star Dust Press, but Carson rolls out of the way. Carson quickly grabs Rush and hits the Fatal Attraction, and that's enough for the three count at 6:45. **3/4 Good match, but the ending came out of nowhere after Rush controlled most of the match. Still, both men have potiental.

-Griff Truxell argues with Samuel Smooth. 'Kay.

-Borst gets interviewed by the press in an extremley funny segment.

-Monte Burns arrives and accepts Voran's challenge, only to get laid out afterwards by a Voran sneak-attack. Afterwards, we learn that tonight Voran gets former fWo World Heavyweight Champion Ric Chronos.

-The Dynamo vs. Griff Truxell. Two lock-ups lead to Dynamo over-powering Griff and tossing him away, but Griff gets a nice european uppercut on the third one. Griff gets a clothesline, and tries for a belly-to-belly that's blocked. Griff tries again, but Dynamo elbows out of it. Griff ducks a clothesline, only to catch a boot to the face by Dynamo. Dynamo lifts him up and sends him back down with a backbreaker, then some punching. Dynamo tries for a Powerbomb, Griff struggles, but Dynamo still gets it. Only a two count, however. Dynamo lifts Griff to his feet but Griff quickly gives him a standing switch, and then a german suplex. He then puts him in an elevated single-leg boston crab. Nice. Dynamo escapes, and delivers a spinebuster to Griff. He sends him into the corner and tries a spear, but Griff moves and Dynamo hits steel. Griff immeaditley capitalizes with his Piston DDT, but Dynamo has his foot on the bottom rope and the count is stopped. Griff stops to argue with the referee, and Dynamo spins him around and gets the Dynamo Driver for the three count at 5:30. **1/2 Another good match with a bad ending- the Piston DDT should have been the ending. Oh well.

-Kodiak Vic Creed got some payback on Teddy.

-More misadventures of the Fuse Bros. as they find the sixth digit to the secret character.

-Carson Covington brags to Samuel Smooth.

-The Flying Frenchie (w/ 'Dashing' Danny Culligan) vs. Jon Crisp (w/ Chris Tyson) vs. Lance Knight. Well, the match never starts, as we learn that Jon Crisp and Chris Tyson did evil deeds- namely, taking out Triple X and giving Poision Ivy a shot for good measure. Crisp is apparently a heel again. Well, good, that's what he belongs. And The Frenchie is even appalled! Pretty funny. No match, obviously.

-Rush and The Dynamo have a conversation.

-Borst tells his woman bye-bye.

-fWEo Simulcast, Sphere Heavyweight Title: Black Quicksilver vs. Sphere vs. Senor Funpants. Idioticy abound leading to Quicksilver winning the title. Okay. And like hell I'm going to recap/give a score to a match that 3/4 of it is A TRIP TO FUCKING MCDONALDS. It's funny stuff, though.

-The Fuse Bros. and The Tallywhackers have an in-ring confrontation, and the secret character is.....former PIW and jOlt wrestler WIPPIT GUUD! Whoa.

-Cyberslam 2000 Flashback.

-We learn that Pamela will take on Matt Loco at Cyberslam. Okay.

-Main Event: 'Undeniable' Voran Xias vs. Ric Chronos. The crowd absolutley HATES both of these men. Now that is heel heat. They trade insults to start, and Voran finally tries a right hand but Chronos reverses into an armdrag, into an armbar submission. Voran reverses that into an armbar of his own, but Chronos grabs the bottom rope. Voran stops to argue with the referee and Chronos gives him a kick to the gut and a hard DDT. Chronos works over Voran's left arm and then tries for the armbar again, but Voran quickly grabs the bottom rope. Meanwhile, the crowd has got dueling "VORAN SUCKS!" and "CHRONOS SUCKS!" chants going. Test of strength, but Ric gives him a quick kick to the gut and forces him into the corner, then works over his stomach with some shoulde