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The Ruahh Rant for 10/13

October 14, 2003
Scott Powell

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The Powell-man is b-a-c-k, the Powell-man is b-a-c-k....

Staff Photo

Yes, I'm back, and I'm really going to rant on these shows on a regular basis this times. Yes, for real this time. Yes, I'm serious. SHUT UP AND READ IT ALREADY! Goddamn, you people bitch more than KSZ.

-We start out with The Main Man. Creed's all "I am dominant since Cyberslam! RUAHH~!!!", which I guess is either a subtle plug for this show or the latest Limp Bizkit CD. He doesn't say anything of note until The Paragon jumps onto the scene and decides to set a great example to kiddies everywhere by using his Hammer of God heart punch on a man with a bad heart. Well, that was interesting.

-Temerario saves some jobber chick from that evil bastard Neo. Why do we only see some people once every six months? It's really weird. Oh well.

-Wrestler of the Year Tournament Round 2: Scott Slugger vs. Joey Villani. The not-so-great athlete talks to Villani like he's Undertaker and Villani is Orlando Jordan, and I don't like where this is going (and no, I'm not still bitter over Slugger eliminating Eron in the first round. SHUT UP!). And indeed, it's a Slugger win after the Curveball at 6:47 or so. Decent enough match that's really just a set-up to more of that Bad Attitude/Slugger angle, so let's say **1/4. Afterwards, Bad Attitude kind of says, uh, they don't want to face Slugger and stuff, but Slugger's GOT A PLAN. Yeah.

-Meanwhile, The Dynamo wants to quit. FEEL THE ANGST~!!

-Wrestler of the Year Tournament Round 2: Steve-O vs. Crusader. If one-half of Pretty Boy actually beats Crusader, they'll be a riot on da Planet tonight. A RIOT I SAY~!!! Not surprisingly, Crusader picks up the win with a moonsault at 8:19. Another short, but relatively good, WOTY tournament match. **1/2

-'Cocky' Craig Miles finally debuts in the fWo after weeks of rumors, and of course he's just as cool here as he ever was. He says nothing really of note besides kind of teasing he'll be a face this time. Damnit.

-Wrestler of the Year Tournament Round 2: James Cagle vs. 'Superstar' Vince Jacobs. Man, how lopsided are these WOTY Round 2 matches? A retarded four-year-old could pick the former World Champion over the reality show loser, the beloved veteran over the stoner comedy act, and the former CWL Champion over the, uh, hillbilly comedy act. And indeed, SVJ is victorious with the Star Struck at 7:04. Look at what I wrote for those other two matches and paste it here. **1/4 But hey, SVJ-Spyder in the third round should kick all kinds of ass. And you say I'm too negative. PISHAW!

-Meanwhile, Slugger knocks Ice unconscious and then kidnaps him. Well, I guess that was his plan, and as far as plans go that certainly wasn't bad.

-Deacon and Chris Shepard come out to try and continue to spread their Christian message, but my heroes the Legion of Dairy interrupt, and I can assure you that cHEESE is speaking for all of us anti-Christians everywhere. They end the kick-ass segment with a conchairto on Deacon. This angle is so freaking cool.

-Meanwhile, the International Drainage Commission has a meeting of the minds. Whoever thought to pair Sphere up with a pair of stoners deserves a medal of some sort.

-Spyder points out something us internet columnists have been whining about for quite some time- no one's paying enough attention to the Wrestler of the Year tournament. GO SPYDER~!!

-Backstage, Deacon wants the LoD tonight, but Silver Fox wants him to get that cut fixed. And, oh yeah, to get a partner. Because that worked out SO well for him with Crucifix (and even DEACON points that out! Nice job with the continuity, guys).

-Wrestler of the Year Tournament Round 2:Black Quicksilver vs. Sphere. Shockingly enough, these two comedy wrestlers have the best match of the WOTY tournament that night, tearing the house down. BQ picks up the win with the Silver Lining at 9:12. *** Solid stuff.

-Meanwhile, Eron welcomes High Flyer to the Rogues and reveals his ultimate goal is to win the fWo World Heavyweight Title. Well, it's about damn time.

-Deacon & ??? vs. Legion of Dairy. Things start off 2-on-1 as no partner comes out following Deacon's entrance, but Deacon still manages to hold his own for at least the start. Finally LoD takes control, however, but Deacon gets a partner- 'Cocky' Craig Miles! He runs down and tags himself in, then blows smoke in the faces of both LoD members. Maybe they're allergic to cigarette smoke or something, because they bail right after and Deacon & Craig pick up the win by count-out at 8:37. Lame ending to an okay match, but I really want to see what the two teams can do when they both start the match off complete. **1/2

-Xias comes out to talk.....and that goes on a while, as he takes quite a long time to basically tells us that he left because Eron let him down, and now he wants to beat Eron to prove his point. Okay then. Man, heel Xias was so much cooler than this. Jack Lundin interrupts to basically say what I just typed- that Xias is boring and needs to shut up. Xias, to his credit, keeps playing the calm and cool one and basically tells Lundin to come make something out of it, so we get....

-fWo Hardcore Championship: Jack Lundin (c.) vs. Xias. A short match that sees Chris Titan get some revenge for Uprising by CHAIRING XIAS DOWN~!!!, costing him the match to Lundin at about 8:30. Short and inoffensive as far as hardcore matches go. **1/4 I foresee another splattering in Titan's future.

-Meanwhile, Eron doesn't care about Xias. Well, I'd assume so, personally.

-And in the meantime, the Cocky one promises to make Deacon cool. Well, if anyone can do it, Craig Miles can. And Deacon should just change his name to "god-boy" right now, because that's just about the coolest nickname ever. Of course, the Legion of Dairy is all PISSED~!! and stuff and demands JUSTICE, but Fox, that sly devil, claims that Miles was his original choice for Deacon's partner (even though we know he wasn't). That damn Fox. But don't worry- the LoD promises to get EVEN. I like where this is going.

-Meanwhile, Slugger threatens to throw Ice off a bridge to get a match with one of those damned Bad Attitude members. Yes, this is a rip-off of an Austin/Rock segment, and yes, Slugger actually admits it during his promo. I love this promotion. Wilson and Ice accept, only it's Slugger vs. Ice, not the more-obvious Slugger vs. Wilson (guess they're saving that for a while longer). Slugger's satisfied, but damnit, I WANT SLUGGER-WILSON!

-The Rogues interrupt a Slam of the Week with a vaguely nWo-style promo. That's creepy, man.

-fWo World Cruiserweight Championship: High Flyer (c.) vs. Temerario. One thing you can't say about the eff-dub is that they use the same guys in the main events every week- witness this match. And indeed, the fWo's policy of mixing up the TV main events works wonders here, as Flyer and Temerario put on a great match that sees Flyer pick up the submission win at about 14:50 with some help from the Legion of Dairy. Excellent cruiserweight match. ***3/4 Flyer gets his arm raised, end of show.

The Bottom Line:

About on-par with the fWo's usual efforts- the usual mix of entertaining segments and good-to-great matches keeps the eff-dub as the most consistently great wrestling product right now. And with the Legends hype finally starting to kick into high-gear it can only get better from hear. Thumbs up.