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The Ivy League

May 21, 2009
Poison Ivy

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Free Wrestling Day

Staff Photo

I would like to apologize to any actual fans of the FWO that came to the abortion of an idea that was Free Wrestling Day. You were promised a night of the best wrestling the world has to offer, and, while you got it, you also had to negotiate a parking lot that was cluttered like Woodstock and filled with more smoke than Nova's lungs. Even the back entrance by the loading docks, supposed to be blocked off, had a pair of kegs set up and stupid-drunk human tricks that I'm still shocked didn't end with an ambulance.

Alcohol poisoning, on the other hand, claimed a number of 'fans' before the show was over.

I'm sorry, but this was a bad idea from the start that I argued against, even as I tried to help the decision makers smooth out the rough edges and make it at least a functional night. I should be grateful that when I brought the closest thing the FWO has to an on - staff lawyer to one of my meetings with William Beaven: Mary-Lynn Mayweather (who, to be specific, is a lawyer and a practical, intelligent woman, to boot), she told me that from a legal standpoint, all of my concerns were valid.

Most of my concerns went unheeded.

But, this isn't the right arena for this kind of column, so I'll do what they asked me and said pretty please to do, and that's tell you all about the show you saw through the haze on television, and didn't see because you were fucking drunk if you were there.

So we start off with a Hardcore title defense, Krow against a debuting Max Danger. Maybe part of Krow's emptiness is the fact that he's been hand-picking his opponents so far? Nothing against Zimmerman last week, but ever since Steven Shadows handed the Hardcore Title to Krow after he failed to beat him in their showdown, the wannabe Satanic God had defended against Fairview Reed, Tony Davis, and a long - retired Mad Trucker before this week.

Krow, I've dealt with a few satanic gods in my career so far, and every single one of them would have your head on a spit and your nuts where your eyes should be.

And he wins it with a NDE.

By the by, Krow - just because Shadows handed the belt to you didn't mean you had to take it. Hypocrisy exists, and he's wearing gold.

Vignette. The Amazing Jason. Next.

I don't like Xin Xin Xiong. He's arrogant without cause and condescending to people he has no business being condescending to. Having said that, I fully support the way he took down Xander Scott, especially considering what was still coming.

If only he'd take down Jade Argent, too.

Fortunately, as we next played out, the Black Plague himself was all set to do that for us, as Michelle Masters prepared for her two out of three falls match against my boy, Impulse.

That just sounds good, doesn't it?

I'd like to break up the love fest for a second to tell Ric Chronos and his security team that they are immortal demigods for keeping that crowd under control as well as they did. Chelle and Knox had the toughest test of the night; Krow opened the show hot, then the fans had to sit through a number of taped bits, no doubt getting more drunk and more restless. How they would react to the first match back, and a technical slash aerial showcase was probably not going to be the best thing for a bunch of attention deficit idiots. But they both pulled it off like the champs they are (and will be, in some capacity). Except for X3, who had to stick his nose into things.

I need to have a conversation with that referee. Why would he tell Xin to watch his actions? He had no business at ringside, he should've been bounced and fined. In fact, Xin, consider yourself fined. $500 in my hand by next show or you lose your title shot. And don't even think of interfering in any of Chelle's matches again or you're gonna get a cage and Killjoy every night for a year. And Killjoy can bring as many friends as he wants.

Protest outside Beav's office. I was there, it was a farce. The rules in my FWO have always been the same: work hard and you'll reap the reward. Now we've got two teams that want to work as little as possible and guilt the company into giving them rewards because they're being discriminated against.

I discriminate against lazy fuckheads whose first instinct is to protest the boss for a title shot instead of going to the ring to earn it. Roland, the next time I catch you calling me the ice princess, I get a free shot.

I am not joking.

Finally, we get a match for the Funk and the Action. Roland, June, take notes. That's what not to do in a tag team match. You have to rely on your partner, the same way your partner has to rely on you. And when your team has three members plus a manager, you've got no excuse.

Hans, Bastian, good match. No, you can't have your own protest just like Affirmative Action had theirs. Because I said so.

More tag team action came to pass, as the third championship of the night was defended. I count Chelle because the match should've been a title shot. Arguably the most successful name since January, Vox Nihili - specifically, K-Wolf the Astropop herself - cut a powerful promo before the defense that other companies should study as how to do things right. No, the LoD didn't come out for a match, but we did get Spike Saunders and Callie Urban, both making their own in-ring debuts, and this is different from the Hardcore Title because there is an established drought of tag teams in the world of professional wrestling, and the FWO, with their four to five official teams, is on the high end.

Vox took the win with Astropop's Goodnight Moon, and reminded the world why they have the belts.

Next up, High Flyer continues in the same vein as Krow when it comes to his choice of opponents. But I'll get back to Jack.

Ruben Ross took on Jade Argent, and Jade's perfect streak of not being able to win matches on his own continues. But I'll get back to Jade.

Callie and Spike traded insults backstage. Are they even on my roster or my payroll? I'll acknowledge them when that happens.

Back to the ring, David Morey followed up his interference against Ruben Ross with more threats against Ruben Ross. Fortunately, my new favorite tag team of the moment, The Winners Of This Match, came out to make the save, and for some reason I see a six man of some kind happening next week.

There's historical precedent for this, as, way back in the beginning of the decade, Ross and Bear were part of the legendary Underground - Ross, in fact, replaced the Frenchie, something that they alluded to here.

The theme of the FWO at this time appears to be 'escalation,' which slides in nicely.

Oh, Lowell. Don't get discouraged, kiddo. I believe in you. Tonight was just bad luck - the fans were out of control tonight. But I think his old Lowell Dot Com gear - his Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, if you will - is the psychological boost he needs to snap out of himself. Lowell's rehab is going to be a marathon, not a sprint, and I hope the fans continue to give him a chance.

Interesting tactic by Keith Scott Zimmerman. He has a point - for the most part, the FWO roster has used Fairview Reed as a night off and a quick victory. On one hand, nobody has bothered to take him under their wing and show him how things work. On the other, is it really anyone's job to do that? I'd love to see Beaven's books on where he picked this guy up, but this is the FWO and you're supposed to know how to wrestle when you step through the door for the first time.

Besides, the way Zimmerman condescended to him, it's obvious he's far worse than the fans he claims to despise.

Jeff Garvin and Brawn have an altercation backstage, and it sounds like Brawn is breaking up with him. I don't know what's worse, the homoerotic undertones or the fact that Garvin got schooled by a rookie. He should know better than to underestimate the new kids, they have a tendancy to surprise. Or did Fairview Reed not just become the unofficial number one contender to the Internet Championship by getting a victory over the champion?

Johnny Legend and One Eye debate the pros and cons of drunken debauchery. Please, keep it PG 13 so we don't get kicked off the air. That's happened enough in my career to be considered a statistical anomaly.

Vince Jacobs took on Killjoy in a match that I was anticipating for several reasons. First, I hate Vince Jacobs and wish bodily harm to him several times over. Second, Killjoy owes me several explanations and every time he's in the ring - every time he cuts a promo - I feel like I'm one step closer to understanding why he's doing this.

But, a complete sacrifice, Killjoy? We both know the real reason you're willing to sacrifice everything: because the one thing you were never prepared to lose, you lost.

That's not my fault, that's not anyone's fault.

Well, it's one person's fault, but you made your decision on that front years ago, and I don't have the time or the strength to get into a debate on that again.

But, a match took place. Weeks ago, just before Cyberslam, Vince Jacobs did a favor for Killjoy, or, to be accurate, Killjoy blackmailed him into doing him a favor. Always have an exit strategy, right, KJ? Vinny Jake, the wannabe champion, won the match by disqualification when Killjoy laid him out with a chair.

Then, backstage, Jack laid him out with a sledgehammer. It just ain't your night, Vince... maybe you should rethink your career path?

The main event... ahhh, the main event. This goes back to Jade Argent, this goes back to Jack Harmen and Xander Scott and William Beaven and the choices we all make in our everyday lives. For some reason, High Flyer tracked me down and told me he was ready to return to singles competition, and he wanted his first opponent to be rookie Xander Scott.


He was ignoring Jacobs and the threat he continued to represent to his opponents, ignoring Deacon, ignoring Zimmerman, ignoring Shadows... ignoring anyone who may have paid enough dues to warrant a deserved title shot, to give the kid a ticket to paradise.

Like I told Jack myself, as Champion, he gets to have the company bend around him just a bit more than anyone else, so he got his match. All I needed to do was find Xander.

That was the real challenge. For some reason, after Jade Argent's match, he and Xan thought it would be a great idea to get shitface plastered before the show was over. Not only is that unprofessional, but it's dangerous. This business only works when the men and women who step between those ropes are safe, and when you're drunk you're not safe. I don't care if you're Joe the Plumber, or Nova, or Kevin Fucking Powers - you don't get sloppy before the show is over.

After nearly an hour of searching, I found Xander Scott passed out on the porcelain throne, his title shot flushed away like the bottle of moonshine he was still holding onto. He disgusts me, and I don't want to even see him next week.

But this left us in a lurch for a World Title match, something that I noticed William Beaven didn't come to the Hot Zone to check out.

What's wrong, William? Night went poorly so you hid upstairs again? YOUR World Champion was scheduled to defend his title for the first time since Cyberslam, and you didn't bother to show up to see how it all went down. I heard rumors - to your credit they're all unverified so far - that you're not happy with the fact that Krow took over the main event and won the World Title. Well, a decision had to be made, and even though it's not my responsibility to book the shows and put the matches together, it's what I've been doing for the past two months.

But, without anyone to replace the disappointment, Krow, to his credit, stepped up and offered to pull double duty and give the fans a nice sendoff, champion against champion.

Only, now, he has two title belts and an agenda I've never been happy with. This is the same Krow that knew what the Tribute show situation was - somehow - before we left, and let us nearly get killed for it. This is the same Krow that knew the facts of where we were, why we were there, how we got there, and what our plans were to get home alive once we knew the score, and he still threw us under the bus with the straight press.

This company will be in much better shape the sooner that belt comes off him. And that's not an opinion.

So what did we learn this evening?

Don't offer fans a place to drink for free and seats in a wrestling show for free.

Don't drink before the show is over, since you never know when we'll need you to fill something in.

Don't carry around the title of 'The Boss' if you're not prepared to act on it.

Most of all, don't even think about asking me how to fix this one. You're on your own.

This is Ivy.